Q: What Would You tell a Wife Whose Husband is Addicted to Porn?

I spoke at MOPS this morning. Beforehand I received the questions they were going to ask, but when I arrived this morning as they were telling the speakers about the makeup of ladies who come to MOPS one of the leaders said, “So many women have husbands who are addicted to porn and don’t know what to do.” I suggested we should talk about it.

Katie and I have been very open about our journey and what God has rescued us from. If you’d like to hear more of that, you can listen to it here.

The reality of our culture is that over 80% of men struggle with porn addiction and the average age a boy sees porn for the first time is 11. Chances are high that your husband or sons are struggling with it. While some churches have talked about it through Porn Sundays, I’m not sure we’ve done enough about it.

Couple with the reality that 1 in 3 women are sexually abused by the time they get married, this compounds it.

What women need to realize first off is that a porn addiction in a husband isn’t always about them as a wife, in fact, it rarely is about them. It starts much earlier before they are married. For me, I was exposed at 11 at a sleepover by a friend’s dad. It is easy to beat yourself as a wife, you also need to remember that like you, your husband is a broken, sinful person who is in desperate need of the gospel.

You also need to realize that porn has completely rewired your husband’s as he thinks about intimacy. Sex and intimacy is now about him, quick, painless, no work. This will now shape how he looks at you, how he will think about sex. He might become frustrated about connecting with you emotionally because he doesn’t have to do that in porn.

To find freedom from porn, while he must confess that and seek to move past that addiction, and it is an addiction, more powerful than many other things. He must discover what drives him to porn. Each of our decisions and sins stem from 4 idols of the heart:  control, power, comfort or approval. What drives it for him? That is the sin underneath the sin.

You will also have to do business with God and forgive your husband. This will not be easy. Trust has been broken. You will wonder in the back of your head if he is still looking at porn, when his behavior changes, you will wonder. You will find yourself doubting when he tells you he is not looking at it anymore. When you have sex with him, you will wonder from time to time what he’s thinking about. When he asks you to do something sexual, you might wonder if he thought it up or if that stems from porn.

You will also be a crucial piece to him finding freedom. Many men seek the comfort of porn because their wife is not as available to them sexually as they would like. This does not give him license to look at porn, it is still a sin, but you might need to be more available to him than you are.

Also, find a couple who has found freedom from this. Spend time with them, ask the wife how she dealt with it, how she is dealing with it.

As you move forward, forgive him. Trust the power of the gospel. I think it is easy for us to forget that the gospel does bring healing and wholeness. It brings freedom. Jesus’ death and resurrection destroyed the power of sin. So there is hope. It is not the end of your marriage. In many ways, this will be a new beginning. Your marriage will never be the same again and that’s okay.

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