There is a myth that many have when it comes to marriage. It goes like this, “Marriage will fix all my problems and make everything right.” Or another way, “Once I get married, I will be complete.” While marriage does bring companionship and wholeness in many areas, it will not complete you.
In fact, marriage will only magnify those broken places in your life. If you are broken before marriage (and because you and I are sinful people, we are), you will be more broken after marriage. The reason is that you are bringing a broken person into your life to share it with. Your brokenness just doubled.
Many go into marriage thinking that the other person will be there to fix them. The problem is that not only can’t the other person fix you, there is a good chance they are looking for you to do the same thing.
This leads to many people being dependent on their spouse for things they shouldn’t be, mainly to complete them and make them whole in the way that only Jesus can.
You have junk in your life. Junk you pretend isn’t there. Junk you pretend isn’t a big deal. It comes from past relationships, sexual experiences, abuse, addictions, your parents marriage and/or divorce, your past marriages (if you’ve been married). You and your spouse bring all this into your marriage, you maybe even bring a child or two with you.
The hope for this? As simplistic as it sounds, it is the gospel. It is the only thing that makes you whole.
When we aren’t whole, it leads us to demand things of a spouse we shouldn’t or they can’t give, it leads us to expect them to be things they can’t to us, which leads to sadness, emptiness and we start searching for someone or something else to fill that void.
More on that later.
Are you looking for wholeness through your spouse? Your kids? Do you think, if I just get married everything will be better?
If so, you might be setting yourself and your spouse up for failure.
This is so true, Josh! I appreciated your point that marriage magnifies the broken places! My work at InterVarsity recently posted a similar piece on how marriage has come to be the Christian ideal rather than placing God first, whatever life stage you’re at (http://www.intervarsity.org/blog/marriage-holy-grail). Both pieces are convicting for me. Thanks for sharing!