Don’t Malign Your Spouse

*Note: I am about to step on one of my soap boxes.

Katie and I are always watching couples. We are constantly assessing them to learn from them. We watch how they talk to each other, how they talk about each other (especially when one isn’t there). I’m always blown away by how many guys will tell me how hot an actress or cheerleader on TV is. Anyway. We watch how they parent, talk about their kids, talk to their kids, whether they do date night, what that looks like. Then we get in the car and talk about it and what we can learn from it.

The reason is that we want our marriage to be the best that it can be. We said “I do” for the rest of our lives and we want the rest of our lives to rock.

One thing Katie and I committed to at the beginning of our marriage was to not make fun of each other. It is amazing to me how many couples will make fun of each other, especially in front of other people. Now I know what you are going to say, “They are just having fun.” And yes, people will laugh, but watch the person who is being made fun of and you will see a person who is dying inside. The reason is that it hurts. There is always truth in every joke.

One challenge we lay out to couples is to not make fun of each other for a week and see how it changes your relationship. You will be blown away by the difference.

The other thing that amazes me is how couples will vent about each other when the other isn’t present. I will hear guys say, “I can’t believe what my wife did” and then lay in about her. She will do the same. It is now more prevalent on Facebook. I sit amazed staring at my computer screen as couples will put down their spouse for the whole world to see. Listing things the other forgot to do, how they don’t care, they are late again, forgot to wash the dog, is still sleeping in, or just whatever is bothering them.

The other day someone asked Katie why she doesn’t vent about me. The person asked if she didn’t do it because of me being a pastor. And Katie said (and this is another reason I love my wife), “I don’t want to malign my husband. If he does something that bothers me, I tell him, not the whole world.” Now, this doesn’t mean that Katie and I don’t have friends that we vent to. We do, but it is a singular friend (not the same person for each of us). It is not plural and it is for the purpose of venting and then that person can speak into our lives to show us the mirror of where we are dropping the ball and challenge us. Too many people vent about their spouses to lots of people and the people they vent to simply ignite the fire more instead of challenging them.

As a man this is crucial because my identity is largely tied to what Katie thinks of me. If she is bashing me to friends about forgetting something, not making enough, working too hard, I will feel like she is nagging me, not proud of me, doesn’t respect me. And, this is the big one, I will feel like she is treating me like one of her kids (that’s another post).

Now, I am going to step off my soap box and go kiss my wife and thank her for building me up in public and in private instead of tearing me down.

6 comments on “Don’t Malign Your Spouse”

Great Post Josh! I’m filing this one. Great practical advice for couples! Thanks.

Oh how I wish every married couple would read and take this message to heart – It is so important to support our spouses, to build them up, to encourage them – I see so little of it, and we wonder why so many marriages end in divorce, why so many married people are miserable inside.

This is so important! I have a teasing personality. So, I need to be careful about that all the time.
The one & only time I remember my husband making fun of me, it killed me. We were newly weds. It is not even his tendency to make fun. But, at a church get together, he went along with a joke (by one of the church elders (?!?). At home when I told him how much it hurt, he said it was pure irony, because it was so completely not true of me. I know that jokes can sometimes be that & that he was right. (Although, most of the time, like you say, there is some truth in the joke.) But, it still hurt, because all the people around didn’t know what truth was. I wanted him to stand up for me against the other guys joke, instead of jesting along. He’s never done that again.
But, I am afraid I have probably done it to him numerous times. I need to be so much more careful than I am. Thanks for this word.

Tim and I have had that exact same “rule” ever since we started dating in high school: we choose to not make fun of each other in public. We save any constructive feedback for the safety of our home. Now that we have children, we strive to extend that same grace to them.

Also – we do the same thing after we spend time with other couples! We discuss + analyze other relationships and how we might continue to improve ours based on that information. I’m glad to hear that we’re not the only ones who do this!